It's OK to be sad. Even when the sadness stretches on longer than you thought possible, longer than you want it to, longer than you think it should. Maybe you knew that. Maybe, like me, you needed to be reminded.
But did you know it's OK to feel like a failure sometimes? Yep. It's especially helpful when you recognize what those feelings mean -- and what they don't.
For example, feeling like a failure does not actually mean that you are one. It does not mean that you are worthless, that your value is diminished at all. It does not mean that your future is bleak, that you are condemned to some sub-par existence for the rest of your life, that you are somehow 'less than.' It does not mean that you didn't live up to your potential somehow (or that you did and failure is all you have to offer). Failure is not the final word, the final judge, the final power.
Feelings of failure are most often just alerting you to two important things:
1. You have experienced [significant] loss.
2. Shame has attached itself to that loss and may be keeping you from moving through it.
Feelings of failure are the very edge of a crater left by a meteor strike. The meteor may have been large or small, but the feelings are simply your heart's attempt to tell you that there is a hole and it hurts. It can be a specific, tangible loss, like the loss of a loved one, the loss of a job, even the loss of someone's good opinion. But there are sneaky losses, too, like the loss of community or the loss of a sense of purpose. Loss can be sudden and overt, or it can be an ebbing-away over time. Either way, the feelings tell us that something we value is gone (or seems endangered).
Why is that important? Well, it tells us how to care for ourselves. It gives us direction for moving forward toward life. And the first thing we must do is creep past the edges and acknowledge the size and depth of the crater.
It might seem like walking off the edge of a cliff, but if we can acknowledge our loss, rejection, anger, if we can turn away from blame and shame, we can eventually face what is at the bottom of the crater: Fear, sadness, loneliness, and a set of hard circumstances that we must learn how to live through. As scary, uncomfortable, or overwhelming as this may seem, it is the beginning of acceptance and grief.
Grief is a much healthier and more honoring response to loss than blame, shame, and guilt. When we grieve, it can move us away from shame and into a place of empowerment so that we can eventually turn to new, nourishing sources of life and fulfillment. Grief allows us to let go of something we cannot have so that we may receive and participate in good things again.
But to truly grieve and grow again, we must name, speak, and turn away from shame as the destructive force that it is. Shame is like radiation that emanates from a meteor strike. (I think this is because human beings are not just dirt and earth but powerful energy sources. When energy sources are damaged, they can cause further destruction to themselves and others.) Often we are not aware that shame is happening, but we definitely experience the fallout when we begin to believe all those (often very compelling) lies about ourselves. If you are getting messages that your value is somehow diminished, that you are unworthy and life is bleak, it is shame radiation poisoning. It's a lie, a thinking error, a false conclusion, a reaction that, left unaddressed, will only cause more damage to you and others.
When we speak our shame, when we have the opportunity to grieve, we are finally freed to examine our values. We no longer identify with the crater; we are recovering from it. We are bigger and have more to offer than a hole and radiation poisoning. Now we can ask things like, "What need was being filled by this important relationship I lost?" Was the relationship healthy and good and honorable? Was the need being filled in a way consistent with your values? Are there good, healthy new places to take this need now?
It is only at this stage that we develop the resilience to recognize whether any actual failure occurred.
Because that's the final reason it's OK to feel like a failure sometimes. Failure happens! In fact, failure is necessary for our maturity. We MUST fail in order to learn and grow, and we must embrace and grow through the feelings that result from failure, whether it be ours or someone else's.
For more on shame and resilience, look up Brené Brown's work on BreneBrown.com or anywhere books are sold.
