Monday, March 31, 2014

Forceful [Men]

Do not be wise in your own eyes;
fear the Lord and shun evil.
This will bring health to your body
and nourishment to your bones.
Proverbs 3:7-8

In the course of remembering who we are and who we've been, we have spent no little time looking at and naming "our own understanding," "the way that seems right to us but that, in the end, leads to death."

Neither have I been shy about the promises we may or may not actually be signing up for when we truly give ourselves to and wrestle with this love/faithfulness/trust business.  So what draws my attention today is this:

There is absolutely no passivity in these verses - not in any that we have come across so far:

Bind 
Write 
Acknowledge 
Submit 
Fear 
Shun


Wisdom is not passive.

Another translation says "turn away from evil."  Sound familiar?  If there is one thing these passages are good at, they are absolutely dogmatic about the kind of  aggressive action  that it will take to love, to be faithful, to pursue God, to be healthy.  And it requires both turning away - forcefully repelling, keeping watch for and taking evasive action from, escaping - and turning toward - binding, writing, trusting, acknowledging, submitting.

It brings to mind a wedding ceremony I recently attended.  It was one of the strangest liturgies I have yet experienced, with the presiding pastor making random and vague references to the honor of marriage and the significance of the vows while reminiscing unapologetically about his own marriage and appealing indirectly for the audience to "come to Jesus."  Somewhere in the milieu he threw in bits of sage advise that he had heard from another pastor.

"Fight fair!" he urged, asking them to raise their dukes.  "Remain pure!"

I confess that I cringed through the whole procedure. As a newlywed myself I came to the ceremony with fresh experiences of the harsh realities of early marriage.  Moreover, I knew these two young people more than casually: He was recently divorced and she had just found out that she was pregnant.  These two were jumping fairly unwittingly into the deep end without life jackets.  They were launching their new relationship full speed down a black diamond course.  And their life-guard/ski instructor seemed to be waving merrily from the sidelines shouting cliches.

Can I take a moment to say here that "remain pure" is just an outright offensive phrase?  As if any of us were pure to begin with and all we have to do is somehow stay that way!  The admonishment itself is passive - and it invites passivity.  It's like saying to your child on her first time at the pool, "Don't drown!" and then chucking her in.  If you think that is even remotely helpful or somehow more appropriate than, say, floaties, swimming lessons, and adult supervision, then PLEASE DON'T HAVE CHILDREN.

On the same token, if there is any kind of purity [read: faithfulness, which is active and practiced, whereas purity implies passive, possessed] worth cultivating, then it is not inspired, planted, grown, nor harvested with weak admonishments!  No, you have to take purity by force, people!  You have to carve it out of the very rock of human existence!  You have to till up the hardened earth with some serious equipment and a lot of sweat, then plant it with seeds of self awareness, water it with grief, and fertilize it with your own blood as you let both truth and love crucify you.  You have to teach people how to do it - but moreover, you have to teach people how to unlearn the ways they already think, the behaviors they already practice.

So here's the moral I am getting from Proverbs 3 so far:

You should take it as some relief to know that you automatically have the wrong understanding.  


You start out being wrong - there is no shame in it.  

We all desperately need wisdom - we all desperately need God - in order to have the hope of life and good things.  The good news is, wisdom, God, life, truth, and good things are within reach!  The bad news is, it is going to take one hell of a fight to grab hold of them, let alone hold on to them!

And today's lesson:

It's not enough to tie yourself up with the bondage of faithfulness so that whatever you do, love, truth, and God are ever before you, in mind in every situation; it is not enough to make every action an acknowledgement of God and an act of faithfulness, you also have to be alert, conscious of evil and the ways that she deceives you, an expert at your own weaknesses, so that you can push her away when she comes for you, so you can mentally, emotionally, and physically turn away and run in the opposite direction.

If you are passive, then evil has already won.


That is why I observe Lent.  That is why I practice the 12 Steps.  That is why I offer even these meager meditations here, spurring you on to remember who you are and who you've been, to face and name your slavery.  It is the painful way of communion with God, of love and truth, of freedom.  It is taking the land of promise.

...the kingdom of heaven has been forcefully advancing, and forceful men lay hold of it.

Matthew 11:12b

Friday, March 28, 2014

The Reason of Hope

Step Two

We came to believe that a power greater than ourselves could restore us to sanity.

"[N]aming our slavery is intrinsically linked to remembering the God who saves us."

It is not the healthy who need a doctor, but the sick.  I have not come to call the righteous, but sinners.
~ Jesus


Sanity

-The Gospel-

is for those of us who need it.

It is for those of us who need hope.

Some may consider Lent depressing and masochistic at worst, empty tradition at best.  Many consider Christianity the same way.  Christianity is NOT for those who 1. don't have any problems and/or 2. have the power to be the people they want to be without any help.

If you are one of those people, kudos!  And I have a great post on denial you might want to take a look at.

For the rest of us, hope is particularly important when we take the time to remember who we are and who we've been, facing and naming the things that are out of control in our lives, owning our powerlessness, and reality checking with the experience and expression of grief.  That is why hope is Step Two.

*     *     *

I remember clearly the first time I contemplated this step.  I was walking on a treadmill reading a 12 Step devotional (as was my wont at the time) and I just about tumbled off the back of the machine.

What the hell is sanity?  I wondered.  And how can I be restored to it if I've never known it in the first place?

I didn't have an answer at the time, but I didn't need to.  The step didn't say that I needed to figure out what sanity is and then come up a with a 5-year plan for implementation.  No, I looked again to the first words and really had to ask myself:

Do I believe there is a power greater than myself?

That was easy: I was a good little Christian girl.  So, Yes: God.

Do I really believe that God can restore me ... to something I don't even understand, have never experienced, and cannot even imagine?

Good Christian Girl: Of course.

Yes, but, do I believe God will?

...

...

Um.

You see, it's one thing to believe in a God, or in the God of the Christian scriptures.  It is one thing to concede that Jesus is God and that he died on the cross to reconcile humanity to himself.  It is even one thing to learn about concepts like God's omniscience and omnipotence and love and grace and whatnot.  But it is another thing entirely to believe that God can intervene in my own personal little bit of insanity ... and that God actually will.

It seems awfully arrogant, doesn't it, my presuming what God will or will not do?  I mean, I was going through a divorce at the time.  God didn't "save my marriage."  The truth is, God doesn't do a lot of things that we want God to do or need God to do or would expect God to do.

Do I trust God?

At that moment on the treadmill I could see what my life would look like if I did not settle this matter in my heart once and for all.  I could see anxiety, doubt, depression, second-guessing, worthlessness and hopelessness plaguing me like sharp turns on a roller coaster ride.  I could see myself being fine sometimes, even hoping sometimes, but mostly just not thinking about it and then *bam* not being able to ground myself at crucial moments of fear or hurt and spiraling into existential angst.  I could see myself having repeated episodes of suicidal ideation and suicide attempts, honestly.  I had been irrevocably confronted with how out-of-control my life was and how truly powerless I was to do anything different than what I'd always done.  I had to have help. I needed a higher power I could turn to and trust.  Without that, my life would only ever be insanity.

So I confess I made a very practical decision in that moment.  I did not know what sanity looked like, but I did know what insanity was like, and I was desperate to be done with it.  Hope would be better than that.  Even blind, stupid faith would be better than that.

Trust would be better than that.  

A simple line from a C. S. Lewis novel echoed in my thoughts.


God is not tame.  But God is good.

I can't predict or control God.  God is a person who has the freedom to show up as [he] so desires.  But I do believe that God is good, and I decided to trust in that.  I decided that I was going to trust God's goodness in the midst of difficulty, suffering, confusion, and the incomprehensible circumstances of life, because God's goodness does not mean I will always understand, but it does mean I can always come back to God and count on [his] intentions and movement to be for my good and the good of others

So I decided to trust God to restore me ... somehow ... to something I had never known but desperately needed.  And I decided that this was my line in the sand: I would never, ever question this decision.  It was not open for revisiting or reexamination.  Because doing so would only produce insanity in my life.

That decision changed everything.  It turns out that I didn't just decide to believe in God in a different way than I ever had before, I had to believe in myself in a way I never had before.  I had to trust myself in a new way in order to trust my relationship with God. I also had to believe that there was such a thing as sanity and I had to -vulnerably- hope for it, long for it, search for it.  But as a result, I have been able to return to the firm foundation of this step over and over and over again.  When I do stupid things (or I just think that I am stupid), when others hurt me, when I feel afraid, defeated, trapped, or discouraged, when I don't understand, I think of sanity.

And I hope.


Thursday, March 27, 2014

Repentance and Remembering

I moved to Kansas City 8 years ago.  I bought my own little house and packed all my earthly possessions, including my only friend, the German Shepherd, into my pickup truck and drove 1900 miles to start over (I took the long way - it was January).  I arrived hopeful, feeling like I was somehow "home."

Once here, however, things started to happen - you know, things like: I got a job. I finished my BA.  I started another degree.  And another one.  I got downsized.  I got another job ... and another one.  Life started that mad tumble for which it is so famous. I started dating, I quit dating, I became a pastor, I resigned being a pastor.  I got married.

And somehow, in the midst of all of that, I completely forgot why.

Does that ever happen to anyone else?  I'm going along and suddenly I get caught up in some sort of doing instead of being. I forget something important about my story, about who I am and the why.

I look back now and realize that, once I got into seminary, I started to pick up on a standard.  This standard said that everyone has and should have at least a Master's Degree.  This standard said that everyone "normal" or "successful" comes from an upper middle class or well-off family.  It said that I was an object of pity because my parents didn't pay for me to go to school and I didn't attend one of the private undergraduate programs everyone else did.  The Standard started to tell me who I was, who I wasn't, and who I needed to be.

And I can't blame this particular standard, as if it broke into my house in the middle of the night and started sleeping in my basement while I wasn't looking (though that is precisely what it has felt like).  The truth is, I am prone to picking up stray standards and bringing them home with me, posting them like notes on my bathroom mirror and then using them to judge myself every morning when I get up.

And the Standard weighed on me.  Those who lived up to it were greeted in the hallways and cheered.  But it didn't seem to be working for me.  It didn't seem to be accomplishing in my life that to which God had called me.  My graduate program was a disaster and my church was, too.  I felt like an utter failure.  Achievement, education, intelligence (at least one form of it), a particular standard of living, looking a particular way, talking a particular way - somewhere along the way it had become my identity.  And even if I challenged that identity, it was still there, stuck to the bathroom mirror of my heart.

But as I venture on this path of remembering during Lent, I find myself returning to the events that brought me to Kansas City.  I remember one night in particular more than 9 years ago...

It was the night I finally forgave ... myself.

It was the night that, for the first time in my life, I actually felt worthwhile.  It was the night when, for the first time in my life, I could truly love and forgive others.  It was the first time in my life that I felt free, free to be myself without shame.  All stray standards that I picked up somewhere along the way and used to torture myself were gone.

You see, I didn't move to Kansas City to "be somebody."  I moved because I already was somebody.  I didn't finish my degree to measure up, but because my talents and life were worth my attention and development.  I embarked upon this adventure to embrace a lifestyle of repentance.  I wanted to repent of my romance with death by choosing to face my life.  I repented of fear by embracing who I was and the responsibility I have to live.  I repented of worthlessness, lies, and abuse by believing in myself, by investing in myself, by valuing myself, by saying no to unhealthy things AND saying yes to good things.

As a side note, I had to learn how to be satisfied with good things.  I'm still learning.  When one nurses on low self esteem and the sick images/standards of our culture, developing addictions and compulsions and tolerating abuse, it may be awful, but it becomes normal.  It is like growing up using whole milk even when you're lactose intolerant: you're accustomed to the taste and it's what you have to drink.  And even though it makes you sick, anything else just tastes ... well, nasty.

I learned that repentance isn't something you do once and for all.  It isn't something you do occasionally or even regularly.  It is a lifestyle.  It is a lifestyle to which I have given myself because I am forgiven, because I am accepted, because I am valuable and redeemed, because I am loved.

I had to have an experience of that forgiveness, that acceptance, that value, redemption, and love. I had to know it and accept it and let it change me.

And it did.

So I'm not here to be successful, to be "educated," intelligent, or to keep up with the Nazareneses.  I am not even here to be normal.  I am here to live in loving response to my Savior who taught me my value as [he] taught me how to forgive.  I am here to be with [him].  I am here because I am a new creation, and I must live in a manner worthy of repentance.

And I repent of my post-it notes - the ones that say my relationships should look a certain way, that I shouldn't struggle with anything, that I shouldn't have problems, that I should look better and act better and be better somehow.  I repent of the standards I have lifted up to tell me who I am so that I forget who I am and who I've been and from what exactly I have already been saved.

Can I get an amen?  Anybody else want to repent of your post-it notes - and keep on repenting?  Anybody else want to center their life around an experience of love and acceptance and freedom?  I highly recommend  it, even if I forget myself sometimes.  I highly recommend repenting of picking up stray standards and bringing them home with you.  In fact, I dare you to do it. I dare you to develop a whole lifestyle around repentance.  For the Kingdom of God is near.

Wednesday, March 26, 2014

The Lament

I remember now.

I remember that the great sense of freedom, release, and gratitude - the invitation to new life - only came after and in the midst of grieving.  I had forgotten that part.

I had forgotten that part of powerlessness and how it ties in to the lament of Lent.  It seems kind of ridiculous that I would forget this component of the spiritual walk: Lent is renowned for its themes of suffering, death, and repentance.  Of course grief is a part of this.  And of course grief is a part of naming our slavery and its effects on our lives.  That is rather close to the point.  We grieve to "sober up;" it is one of the many ways we turn away from our addictions and compulsive behaviors, our way, our understanding.  We grieve to get in touch with reality.  We grieve in order that it might change us.  We grieve because grieving is a part of repentance.

We grieve because we care and we grieve in order to care.  If we give up grieving, we give up part of our humanity.  We deny our own fragility and we dismiss the ache of our precious hearts.  We say of our hurts, our experiences, and our lives, "they don't matter."  Our hearts become like a leper's skin; desensitized, numb, calloused, hardened.  We lose our empathy, and when we lose our empathy, that is when we become sociopathic - an animal bent only on survival and self gratification.  Literally, we have lost our capacity to connect or to love - ourselves or others.

There is a popular bumper sticker that says, "If you're not angry, you're not paying attention."

If you are not grieving, you are not living.

Did you know that you cannot avoid disappointment without also shunning excitement?  You cannot numb your pain without also numbing your ability to feel pleasure, to feel alive.  This is common knowledge in the helping professions.

More distorted thinking, relational dysfunction, and debilitating habits are created by attempts to disconnect from or escape hurt, pain, rejection, and disappointment than by any chemical imbalance in the brain.


Likewise, deepening your capacity for pain expands your capacity for joy - and vice versa.  In fact, in order to truly face your pain you need an expanded capacity for joy!  They go hand in hand and not one without the other.  Ultimately, to truly live, to truly love, you must feel.  You must embrace both the fears and the ecstasies of life.


But if in your fear you would seek
only love's peace and love's pleasure,
it is better for you that you
cover your nakedness and
pass out of love's threshing floor,
into the seasonless world
where you shall laugh
but not all of your laughter,
and weep
but not all
of your tears. 
Kahlil Gibran
The Prophet

And so we linger, revisit, and remind ourselves of our powerlessness.  We face it and name it and own it when we see it, because we need to grieve.  Grieving isn't a sign of failure.  Grieving is an acceptance of that which we cannot change so that we might change the things we can.

So, to any who embark upon the path of remembering, and particularly to myself, a note:  You will grieve.  Take the time to do it.  Acknowledge those things you cannot change - the past, others, your own character defects and slavery  - and let them go, let them be.  They already are, after all.  You're just recognizing and living in the truth.  Have a funeral if need be.  Write a eulogy.  Sing a song of lament.  Count the cost without judgment - for judgment will only lead you back to denial and the insanity of trying to change things over which you have no control.  And say goodbye to lost time, lost hopes, lost dreams, and unrealized expectations.  Say goodbye to the person you wish you were or could have been and accept the one you are.  Live in your own skin.  And grieve the childish notions that there is a world without grief - if you could just figure out how to live there.  Grieve the loss of the fantasy solution, achievement, or relationship that would eliminate the need for grief or growth or pain or regret or sadness.





Monday, March 24, 2014

A Straight Path, A Wandering Way

Trust in the Lord with all your heart
lean not on your own understanding
In all your ways acknowledge him
and he will make your paths straight.
Proverbs 3:5-6

I watched this weekend as my friend cried, her heart broken and aching over a death in her family.  She wept over her own sense of inadequacy and failure, her regrets, and she grieved the sense of powerlessness she felt to help, to change things, to save.

I can relate.  I have not lost a loved one the way she did, but I have experienced death in my life, that helpless and disorienting sense of loss, that great sadness that comes with a deep feeling of failure.  And I feel powerless in my life, too - powerless to be the woman I want to be, to effect positive change at my workplace, to create worthwhile and edifying relationships.  While naming these losses and regrets is the first step, the truth is, acknowledging our powerlessness is deeply sad.  In fact, that is a good deal of the point: We need to grieve.

"Sadness allows you to let go of what you cannot have in order to make room in your heart for what you can have." 
~ John Townsend, Hiding From Love

That is what I am finding as I face my powerlessness: In the very act of doing so I somehow find a way through - a new way that is different from before, a way that is not my way, nor is it my understanding.  Grief is a great example.  I generally do not want to be sad, nor do I go out of my way looking to be sad.  Yet, as Townsend goes on to note, "God's solution for resolving loss is sadness ... Sadness is the antidote for depression.  It does a job.  Grieving prepares us for love."  Facing and naming, confessing our powerlessness is, itself, a new way.    It is the first step down the path prepared for us, to take us through our wilderness, to lead us out of slavery and into the Land of Promise, into freedom.  It is just not the way we expect.

As I have previously philosophized, we tend to think that the shortest distance between two points is a straight line.  "He will make our paths straight."  In geometry that may be true, but for some reason it doesn't quite work that way when it comes to the narrative arc of our lives, and I think it goes back to that whole "our understanding" pitfall.  God doesn't say that the path is straight: Therefore we are to follow it.  God says, "In all your ways submit to [God] and [God] will make your path straight" (NIV).

So, we follow God and as we do, God makes our path straight, not based on our understanding of straight, but on God's!

We would not expect to be sad in order to let go.  But God leads us to grieve.

We would not expect to have to remember who we are and who we've been in order to embrace grace and freedom.  But God leads us to accountability.

We would not expect to have to bring our secrets out into the open, but God leads us to confess.

We would not expect to have to ask for help, but God leads us to depend on [him] and others.

We would not expect to have to die in order to live, but God leads us to resurrection life.

This mysterious way, the path that is not necessarily straight and logical to our minds - certainly not the obvious way to go - it is the way of repentance, and when we walk it and all its strange meandering curves through all of its pain and its peace, we find that we can look back and see God has made our path straight.

That is the message of Lent.  That is the path of the Twelve Steps.  That is the Gospel.   

Thursday, March 20, 2014

The Power of Powerlessness

Step One

We admitted we were powerless over our addictions and compulsive behaviors, that our lives had become unmanageable.

(Bet you thought it was time for Step Two, didn't you?)

When one begins the spiritual practices of the 12 Steps, one quickly learns that the steps are never finished.  We always return to step one and start over - not just when we have completed them all, but any time we are confronted with our slavery, any time we see those telltale signs of something being out of control.  We need to learn how to go back to this step, to use it, to mine it, to depend on it as positive movement out of our slavery.

For those who thought that focusing on and contemplating our secrets, failures, shortcomings, and character defects was dreadful and unproductive, the thought of doing it on a regular basis is insanity.  Of course, pretending that you have no unmanageability in your life, no failures, or shortcomings, or nothing that you would prefer to hide from others seems like insanity to me.  Continuing to blindly bulldoze through your life doing the same old things you've always done and hoping for different results seems pretty unproductive.  Admitting our slavery simply aligns us with what is already true about our lives.

But did you know that admitting powerlessness can actually be very empowering?  

Of course, that is the beautiful paradox of recovery - of Christianity!  It is only when you give your life away that you may truly live - the very paradox we explore in the practice of fasting.

First, by facing and admitting our darkness, failures, compulsive behaviors, fears, etc., we begin to release the shame that attaches itself to them.  Remember Adam and Eve in the garden?  They ate of the fruit, and they were ashamed.  And it was because of the shame that they hid - from God and from each other.  That hiding didn't help them; it isolated them.  It was the beginning of the death that was promised when they ate the fruit: The death of fellowship with God, of self acceptance, of vulnerability, of relationship with one another ... the list goes on.  Hiding is the fruit of death.  Naming our weaknesses empowers us to come out of hiding.

Naming our slavery also loosens the grip that compulsive behaviors, hurts, disappointments, and fear have on us.  For example, we can often feel like no one really wants to hear about what is really going on with us, and that feeling controls us; it squelches us, prompts us to pretend, to say stupid things, to hedge our comments, minimize our feelings, avoid vulnerability, limit intimacy, and apologize for taking up time or space.   Or it may make us a constant comedian, a compulsive discusser of our topic of choice, an expert at small talk, pop culture, and memes, or just downright disconnected from reality - twitchy, compulsive, neurotic, and never quite able to say exactly what we mean.  This is not self-control!  This is oppression!

But when we just say it - when we can just name what is true, what is real, what is vulnerable - suddenly we are free.   We dispel the myth that we are somehow unwanted or unlovable, the only one to struggle or hurt.  We are free to talk about everything, free to connect, free to be known and loved and accepted as we are.  We are free to be ourselves.  Free to be heard.  Who doesn't want more freedom in her life?

Then there is the fact that admitting our powerlessness is actually doing something new.  And doing something new is not only the best possible opportunity for getting different results, it means that, right now, in the moment of your admission, you are not perpetuating your slavery.  In other words, it is very difficult to practice this step as a spiritual discipline and also stuff your face with doughnuts, say, or masturbate to porn.  By practicing this step intentionally - again and again - you are actually already replacing old behaviors with something new.

I wrote recently about my friend who is obsessively distracted.  One of the things she learned is that she cannot be thinking about and focused on distractions when she is focusing on and practicing her admission of powerlessness.  Admitting powerlessness can seem negative to a lot of people, but it is actually a positive behavior that replaces oldnegative ones.

We reclaim all kinds of power in practicing Step One.  But probably the best part is the way we are setting ourselves up to need and ask for help, and to need and search out God.

And that leads us again to Step Two ...



Wednesday, March 19, 2014

Not So Fast

A reflection on Lent

A friend of mine recently attempted to "fast" certain things that distract her from her work at the office.  

She quickly grew frustrated with the practice and gave up.  She felt overwhelmed by the sheer number and type of distractions. "Clearly this isn't working!" she spat in exasperation over her two-page list of "struggles."

But what I heard was that it did work: She had become immediately and intensely aware of all the things that she allows to pull her mind in different directions in just one eight-hour time period.  More than that, she was confronted with the ways these distractions took her places - places she didn't want to go.  She often felt anxious, insecure, or disconnected by the end of the day and as she looked at the things that she allowed to capture her attention and her thoughts, it started to make sense why she might feel these ways.  She also realized that, once upon a time, she had actually intentionally practiced these distractions - she had actually created this monster to begin with.

She suddenly understood that she needed to start paying attention to what she was paying attention to! 

Fasting and Awareness

Incidentally, as a result of her little experiment, my friend developed a new strategy for "paying attention" and eventually came up with a technique to explicitly focus her thoughts on the things that were important to her - which was not just about the work at hand, as it turned out, but her life-goals and values, too!  She was amazed that she could redirect her thoughts so effectively, and what began as short-lived "fasting" became a sustainable lifestyle of walking in greater self-control.

When we choose to abstain, or to fast, as a spiritual discipline, we are choosing to increase our awareness - and our opportunities for awareness - of God, self, and others.  In the case of my friend, it might seem like she was already "too aware" because she was so easily and readily distracted, yet she was unaware of her thought life, its history, and the impact it was having on her.  She was also unaware of the choices and the power she actually had to do something different.  When we fast, we stop our normal, every-day routines and habits and we do it for a purpose: To create space for something else!  Namely, fasting is about turning away from something in order to turn toward - toward reflection, self-examination, toward God and a greater truth and understanding of ourselves, and ultimately toward greater love and freedom.

Fasting and Freedom

What shall we say, then?  Shall we go on sinning so that grace may increase?  By no means! We are those who have died to sin ... because anyone who has died has been set free from sin.  
Romans 6:1-7

Recently I served in a church wherein the freedom to drink alcohol was celebrated - to the point that it became a concern.  A family or two left the church over it.  The denominational leadership got involved.  There were questions about whether church fellowship events were threatening to newcomers or to those who are in recovery from alcoholism or drug use.  As conversations and accusations circulated I began to wonder, "We have the freedom to drink, but do we have the freedom not to drink?"

In recovery I have come to recognize that one of the greatest freedoms I can experience is not in what I am free to do, but what I am free not to do.  This is the Alcoholic who is finally free to not have a drink.  This the sinner free from sin.  This is freedom from slavery!

"I have the right to do anything," you say - but not everything is beneficial.  "I have the right to do anything" - but I will not be mastered by anything ... not everything is constructive.
I Corinthians 6:12, 10:23

Fasting is about the search for true freedom in Christ, not about an immediate sacrifice or the value of a sacrifice in itself.  

My sacrifice, O God, is a broken spirit; a broken and contrite heart you, God, will not despise.
Psalm 51:17

"To love [God] with all your heart, with all your understanding, and with all your strength, and to love your neighbor as yourself is more important than all burnt offerings and sacrifices."
Mark 12:33

Fasting and abstinence as a lifestyle is practicing the freedom of saying no to some things so that we can say yes to others, so that we are not mastered by anything, so that we keep our hearts soft, repentant, contrite, and sensitive, free to respond to God and to grow in love.

Fasting and Maturity

According to human development studies and theorists, we actually have an emotional (and spiritual) need to say "no" to things, and especially those things to which we might not want or know how to say no!  If we do not develop our ability to "turn away" we become stunted in our development and emotional maturity.

Many Christians talk about abstinence only in terms of -specific- sexual activity, and then only in the context of being single.  But abstinence is the ability to say no, to turn away.  Abstinence (sexual and otherwise) is something you must learn to practice throughout life! In fact, sex is a great example: The need for sexual abstinence does not change when one gets married - in fact, it becomes, in some ways, more vital. 

Allow me to explain: You have heard it said that I cannot look at another person lustfully or I commit adultery in my heart - and I say that this includes my spouse!  Lust dehumanizes another person by making that person an object to meet my sexual gratification.  It also dehumanizes me, corrodes my moral reasoning, distorts and confuses my thinking.  Jesus' warning about lust and adultery is not a warning about "sex outside of marriage," it is about the ways we exploit and dehumanize ourselves and others in our hearts because we are not practicing the very difficult and loving behaviors of turning away.

As a married person, I do not get sex when I want it, how I want it, nor should I.  Those passages about a husband's and wife's bodies not being their own is not permission for exploitation or moral license for using - or making demands - from one another.  The point is a plea to treat one another as human beings, with the love, honor and respect we would want shown to us!  Sadly, we live in a culture of sexual addiction wherein we violate ourselves sexually, so it's no wonder many Christians expect "sexual gratification" in marriage instead of love, respect, and intimacy.

But I digress, the point of this example is that, in marriage, I must abstain from sex as much as I participate in it.  I must abstain when it violates me or my partner, when it is unhealthy, when it is selfish, or when my partner says no for any reason.  I must abstain from sex that isolates me.  And I must abstain from sex with anyone other than my spouse - in my mind or in body.  If I have not developed the character required to be abstinent outside of marriage, I am setting myself up to fail in a sexual relationship.

And that is how it is with all forms of "saying no".  We must develop these muscles, this strength of character, so that we can turn away when it is loving and appropriate and humanizing to do so.

Consider that before you give up fasting for Lent!

Monday, March 17, 2014

I Don't Understand (and Neither Do You)

Trust in the Lord with all your heart
lean not on your own understanding
In all your ways acknowledge him
and he will make your paths straight.

Proverbs 3:5-6

One thing I have learned in recovery is that we each have our own unique brand of "our own understanding" that, at its end, is what Paul called "futile thinking" (Eph 4:17-19); it ultimately produces insanity, dysfunction, distortion, and eventually death.

That is to say, we each have our own personal, creative, and living version of the "way that seems right to [us]" but that actually "leads to death" (Prov 14:12).  But here's the catch: It actually seems right to us.

As a young person, I used to think these passages only applied to people who did not know God.  Sure, their thinking is futile (I thought in my naive arrogance) but Christians have abandoned 'the ways of the world' for God's ways.  We don't lean on our own understanding; we lean on the "foolishness of God" to save us (I Cor 1:18) and the word of God to direct us.

You know what changed my mind?  This little thing called death.

You see, Jesus mentioned a tidbit about "by their fruit you shall know them" and it turns out that it goes deeper than separating the sheep from the goats - us from them.  No, by their fruit you will recognize ... your own understandings and how you are leaning on them, because "in the end it leads to death."

Do not be deceived, reads Galatians 6:7-8, God cannot be mocked: a man reaps what he sows.  Whoever sows to please their flesh, from their flesh will reap destruction; whoever sows to please the Spirit, from the Spirit will reap eternal life.

Matthew 7 tells us not to judge, but to examine ourselves and help othersMy mentor termed it, 'the call to be fruit inspectors.'

I started to notice that there were little bits of insanity in my life as a Christian; in the darkness of my own heart and the quiet places of my intimate relationships there was hiding, lying, bondage, rage, self-loathing, depression, anxiety, resentment, violence, and, yes, death.  I participated in some of these directly.  Mostly I helped to create an environment in which these fruit just sort of cropped up.

I didn't know it, but I had been "sowing to the flesh."  I had been leaning on my own understanding, following the way that seemed right to me, and it was not working out so well.

What we learn in recovery that this is pretty much the only way to recognize our own futile thinking: by its fruit.  Where there is death, there is "our own understanding."   Where there is insanity, there is the "way that seems right" to us.

This is why it is so important for us to remember who we are and who we've been, to name our slavery: It is the first step to forsaking, turning away from, repenting of our own understanding.

 ... even when that understanding seems and sounds so Christian.  That was the brutal twist on my life: The things I was doing, they were all my understanding of what it meant to be Christian, to be 'obedient,' to be 'submissive.'  I legitimately believed that I was doing what was right.  And if it hadn't been for the awful fruit, I never would have known that I was really in bondage.

None of us escapes "our own understanding."  Paul describes it as the "sin living in me... the desire to do what is good [that] I can't carry out" (Rom 7:17-18).  In fact, I think the more we were 'raised in the church' the more likely we are to fall into this trap. Paul is one of our best examples:  He had lived his whole life in dedication to his people's covenant with God.  He had abandoned himself completely to honoring God through the very law God had given for just that reason.  And it was garbage, dirty rags, excrement (Gal 3:8).  It produced death. 

I am going to go way out on a limb here and say, if it looks and seems and sounds Christian, even if it looks and sounds word-for-word like scripture itself, but it does not produce the fruit of the Spirit, it is not truth - not the gospel.  Did you know the law itself cannot stand against the fruit of the Spirit?!  "Against these there is no law" (Gal 5:22-23).

That is how desperately we need God to make our paths straight!

I have not even touched the notion of "trusting God with all our hearts" nor what it might mean to "acknowledge God in all we do."  But that is because I have found that these, too, are intrinsically addressed in the disciplines of the 12 Steps. I cannot help but explore this kind of trust and surrender as I continue my time of remembering during the Lenten season.  So if you want more on these fronts, you will just have to stay tuned.

Thursday, March 13, 2014

Slavery, Story, and the First Step

Step One: 

We admitted we were powerless over our addictions and compulsive behaviors, that our lives had become unmanageable.

I am unspiritual, sold as a slave to sin...  Romans 7:14b

The first step of recovery is also the first step of becoming a follower of Christ.  It is the first step of telling our own story.  It is the first presupposition of Lent.  It is a global recognition of sin and death, human frailty and failure.  It is an expression of our desperation and need for rescue - but rescue from what?  Death isn't just a physical end.  Sin isn't just a theoretical entity, a doctrine.  We are in bondage.  We are all Israelites at the mercy of Egypt.  We are all Paul, unable to do in our own power the good we want to do and, instead, chronically doing the very thing we hate - which seems to be the only thing we know how to do unless God [himself] intervenes constantly (Romans 7:15-19).  Slavery is the truth of our existence.  It is the death we carry with us everywhere we go until we die.  This is the sin that lives inside our very person, from which we need ongoing rescue (Romans 7:17, 21-25).

What Step One invites us to do, however, that the "Sinner's Prayer" or Lenten liturgies can fail to inspire, is to name our slavery, our death, personally - and to recognize this ongoing nature of our need.  Like Ash Wednesday, this is not some morbid fascination with darkness.  It is God's call to remember.  

"Be careful that you do not forget ... otherwise, when you eat and are satisfied ... then you will become proud and you will forget the Lord your God who brought you out of Egypt, out of the land of slavery ... and if you ever forget ... I testify against you today that you will surely be destroyed" (Deut 8:11-19, emphasis mine).

Remembering, facing, acknowledging, naming our slavery is intrinsically linked to remembering the God who saves us.  The two are inseparable.  If we forget the one, we forget the other, and we slip into "[our] own power and the strength of [our] hands" that only brings destruction (Deut 8:17).  

The work of the cross is done, yet we must work out our salvation with fear and trembling (Phil 2:12-13).  We are delivered "through Jesus Christ our Lord" but what are we delivered from but "the sin at work [ongoing] within me"? (Rom 7:23b-25).

So how do we name our slavery?

When you "work" the first step, you don't just read it.  You don't just "agree" with it.  You actually "do" it.  

List the things of which you are ashamed...
That you've done.  That you are. That you've thought. That have been done to you.

...the things you don't want anyone to know...
and don't think you have to tell anyone about because you've 'taken care of that'

...the things you do but do not want to do...
...the things you want to do but are destructive, hurtful, or violate your own values...


all your 'compulsive behaviors.'  

All of them.  

You will actually make a regular practice of listing them, because remembering is a discipline, but that's getting ahead of ourselves.

Sound morbid?  Don't worry, you don't stop there.  The story doesn't end in slavery.  That's just where it begins.  We're only on Step One, you know?

If you don't actually list them and call them what they are, then you aren't admitting anything. 

You can read the step and agree with it, but you aren't doing what it says until you actually start admitting things, specific things.  (And don't think you can get away without writing them down - because steps four and six make you do it specifically, in case you thought you could skip it.)

You also have to look at -name- what is unmanageable.  

You see, the truth is, you probably don't even know what you are enslaved to, what is compulsive and addictive in your life, how you have forgotten yourself and God, until you start looking at the things that have gotten out of hand, the consequences, the symptoms, the little bits that are out of control. In other words,

this is your opportunity to truly recognize your 
"hurts, habits, and hangups" 
as slavery:
What is the price you're paying for your (or another's) behavior?

(It's true: All of these things apply when what you're doing is actually enabling someone else's destructive behavior.)

A great way to name your slavery is to use the first few lines of the Serenity prayer to search your heart:

God, 

What am I not asking God for help with?

grant me the serenity

What is stealing my peace? My joy?  My worship?

to accept the things I cannot change

What am I trying to control but actually have no control over?  
Where am I ignoring my own limitations?

the courage to change the things I can

What should I have have control over that is out of control?  

and the wisdom to know the difference

What do I continue to do over and over and over again, 
expecting different results?

And that will take us to Step Two.

Until next time, if you really want to know and name your slavery, pray this Psalm.  But be warned: If you ask, God will tell you.

Search me, O God, and know my heart
Test me and know my anxious thoughts
See if there is any offensive way in me
Lead me in the way everlasting
Psalm 139:23-24




Wednesday, March 12, 2014

Back to Lent

In 2007 my beautiful sister, Penny, passed away.  We gathered by her grave hidden among the pines and sycamores on a sunlit-dappled hillside that could have come straight from a chapter of Little House on the Prairie.  We sang Amazing Grace and visions of Penny dancing barefoot on a similar grassy hillside somewhere far away comforted me in a special way; she had been severely handicapped and could not talk, walk, or care for herself while she was here on this earth.  The thought of her whole, laughing, dancing - and the possibility of knowing her someday in a way we could not while she was here was joy set before me.

It may seem morbid, but I hold a special reverence in my heart for funerals and feel privileged when I get to participate in one.  It is one of the few moments when it seems socially acceptable to remember, and it seems so good and right to honor a life by doing so - to acknowledge together its value, and to tell of those things that made it special.  


I have often thought it a waste to wait until a funeral to remember someone's life, to tell favorite stories, to laugh at ridiculous moments, to celebrate a person.  

Perhaps that is what should happen at birthdays, too, but I rarely experience it at any of the parties I am invited to for such.  There is something sacred about remembering a person - who he is, who she was, the meaning of that one, unique life telling its one, unique story.

Another great waste, in my summation, is the way we do not take the time to remember ourselves.  We live from day to day, sometimes completely baffled as to how we have come to be where we are - how we have come to be who we are.

We often get hit at some point in our journey with a shocking realization that our lives do not look the way we thought they would - or the way we want them to.  How did this happen? we wonder. 

But rarely do we take the time to reflect.  In fact, we are often discouraged from it.  "Live for today" is a valid and yet sometimes misleading colloquialism.  "You are a new creation - the old is gone, the new has come" (2 Cor 5:17) can be equally deceptive out of context, especially if we think we are supposed to somehow "forget" the past and press on toward the goal (Phil 3:13-14).

But, of course, it was never Paul's intention to forget who he was.  

No!  In fact, Paul constantly takes the time to remember and tell his story as a Jew, his story as a Pharisee, his story about the road to Damascus.  The good news is in and can only be told by his own story, his testimony.  He remembers who he has been so that he can remember and tell others about what God has done.

And that, of course, brings back to Lent.


*     *     *

There are a lot of cliches that circle the trenches these days.  A good number of them ask us to consider where our identity resides.  "Who does God say you are?" they chant.  It's a valid question in a world of a million stories, each attempting to cast us in a particular role and assign meaning to our lives.  But truthfully, the answers that follow any such questions are often disconnected - from the context of scripture, from personal relationship with God, and from our own stories.

"Hello, my name is Child of the One True King" a popular song proclaims.

Okay.  What does that mean?

It means I am "adopted into the family of God!"  I am a saint!  I am a sinner saved by grace!

Okay.  So, where were you before you were adopted?  What were you before you were a saint?  What were you saved from?  

Oh, you know, sin.

Okay, so what's that?  What did that look like in your life?  What does it look like now?

Um.

The truth is, you can't coherently tell the story of God unless you can tell your own story - just like Paul.  And just like Paul, you can't tell us who you are without recounting who you've been.

On Ash Wednesday I shared the story of the Hebrews trapped in slavery at the beginning of Exodus.  Why?   Their story, their past, is important. It is what made them the people of God. It is what tells the story of God.  It is how we remember God, what God has done, and the covenant God has called us to.  In fact, that seems to be the whole point of God choosing a people in the first place; it turns out that the world has a difficult time knowing and receiving God apart from God's people! (Gen 18:18)

Yes, Lent is about remembering the suffering of Christ, the path he walked to the cross!  And how can we do that with any authenticity if the story of Christ doesn't mean something about us?  What good is the Good News if it has nothing to do with you?  What purpose does the crucifixion have if it doesn't have the power to impact me, to change my story, to set me free?

"I want to know Christ," Paul wrote from prison, "Yes, to know the power of his resurrection and participation in his sufferings, becoming like him in his death and so, somehow, attaining to the resurrection of the dead" (Philippians 3:10-11).

Lent, and its invitation to remember, is the proclamation of the story of Christ - but not as a single event that happened thousands of years ago, a bed time narrative we repeat to our children, a theological doctrine with which we may either agree or disagree.  Lent is the recognition that the story of Christ was meant to be and is our story somehow.  We were meant to share in it and we do - yes, "indeed, we share in his sufferings in order that we may also share in his glory" (Romans 8:17b).

How?  How do we share in all of this?

We start, even as Paul did, by telling our story, by remembering who we are and who we've been...

Tuesday, March 11, 2014

Today's Confession: Christian Men

Dear Men;

More specifically, Dear Christian Men;

Particularly, Dear Men in Leadership in the Church;

I heard one of you say today, "Women are much more complicated than men. Men are simple: S-E-X simple."  I thought that it summarized your point very succinctly.  Allow me to reflect back to you what I heard you say:

"Men are nothing but a penis; a giant walking penis."

Now, I can imagine that is not entirely what you meant to say.  But if you tried to nuance your message any more, well, then I suppose you wouldn't be "simple" anymore.  And if you were't simple anymore, then I suppose that would mean you aren't a man - by your own definition.

But I must also entertain the possibility that this is exactly what you meant to say, directly or indirectly, particularly as this is not an altogether new message.  I have grown up with a cacophony of voices pitching in their various forms of agreement.  "Men are from Mars" they say.  "Men are waffles." At least the infamous Dr. Laura expanded on your message in her book The Proper Care and Feeding of Husbands by saying that men are a penis AND a stomach.

"Men are nothing more than the sum of their parts" is the moral that comes through regardless - LOUD AND CLEAR. And I can't just blame pop culture for this notion.  You, Christian male role model, have intimated things like, "Don't expect us to communicate.  Don't expect us to have emotions, for God's sake, except anger and lust.  Whatever you do, don't expect us to be faithful, to control our bodies, our eyes, our minds.  It's not the way we're designed.  We're just not wired that way."

In fact, you also said today, "If you ask a woman to describe her ideal man, she will describe another woman."  Now, I have to wonder where you get your data, but I also have to confess ... if men are nothing more than a penis and a stomach, simpletons otherwise lacking in any complex thought or human emotion, then you do make a rather compelling case for becoming a Lesbian.

How's that for a thesis?  Christian Men: A Compelling Argument for Lesbianism.

Did you know that men and women are more alike than they are different?  Biologically?  Emotionally?  If you do any kind of research into human bonding you find that human beings have the same basic needs regardless of race, sex, culture:  If we are not touched, we die.  If we do not bond to another human being we become ill; we become sociopaths (Karen, 1998).  Even persons diagnosed with attachment hindrances such as Autism and Asperger Syndrome will wither and regress without human contact, love, and inclusion - though these may be the very things inhibited by their symptoms.

Did you know that sex is not a basic need?  In fact, the notion that it is a need is documented as one of the four distorted beliefs of sexual addiction (Carnes, 2001).  Recovery is only possible when an addict realizes that

"Sex is but one expression of my need and care for others" 

(p 168, emphasis mine).  "[B]oth men and women are fundamentally intensely sexual ... each has to take responsibility for his or her own sexual feelings" (p 159).

Taking responsibility for our sexuality is not easy.  It's not cut and dried, black and white.  As much as we may want it to be, S-E-X is anything BUT simple.

Christian Male Role Model, the world and the church need men who are ready to 'put away childish things' and to look at and talk about their sexuality with humility and honesty, as adults taking responsibility for themselves and seeking to walk in self control.  We need men who are willing to wrestle with the issues of sexuality in a way that is edifying to all human beings, and to face the epidemic of sexual addiction and exploitation that has shaped and is influencing us all.

What the world and the church does NOT need is you, making yourself and other men out to be a joke, dehumanizing yourselves, alienating women, and preaching an addicted culture's definition of sexuality as if it were the gospel.    

Choose this day whom you will serve, but as for me and my sex, I will serve the Lord.

Carnes, P. Out of the Shadows, Hazelden  2001.
Karen, R. Becoming Attached, Oxford University Press  1998.
Schlessinger, L. The Proper Care and Feeding of Husbands, Harper Perennial  2006.


Sunday, January 26th, 2014

Monday, March 10, 2014

Love, Faithfulness, and Hunger Games

Subtitled: Monday Meditations, a Lenten Discipline

Let love and faithfulness never leave you; 
bind them around your neck, 
write them on the tablet of your heart.  
Then you will win favor and a good name 
in the sight of God and man.
Proverbs 3:3-4

Bamm.  There it is is.  Straight forward.  Solid.  Practical.  It appeals to the introverted, task-oriented, linear thinking, algorithm based, life-is-a-sudoku-puzzle-to-be-solved part of my brain/personality.

Do you want favor and a good name?  Then bind yourself to love and faithfulness...

Of course, it is the same part of my brain that observes, "Yeah, people say this kind of crap all the time.  What IS love and faithfulness, first of all, and then what does that even mean, to bind them around your neck or write them on the tablet of your heart?"

When I was young I didn't care what it meant.  I just believed it - believed in it, you know?   Surely if I pursue it with all my heart, it will happen!  I mean, that's the point, right?  Giving yourself to it?  So I gave myself to the process in dewy-eyed adoration.

However, if I do not ask the question, "What does that actually look like?" in the specifics of my every day life - and genuinely take the question to God and wrestle with the answer as opposed to wildly committing myself to whatever I already think the answer is - then I can run into some very serious complications.  And I did.

For example, I ended up with the unobserved notion that favor and a good name are the proof of being loving.  This led me to the very subtle art of binding other people's opinions, acceptance, and judgment to my neck, and being faithful to that.  This kind of faithfulness, interestingly, promotes hiding, lying (to myself and/or to others), pretending, shame, enabling, and isolation.  (Notice the denial and 'forgetting' flags here?  I don't see any of that being promoted in Proverbs!)

Somewhere along the line, we can get a very distorted view of love and faithfulness; love and faithfulness can actually get attached to something that turns them into very destructive forces in our lives.

So what does it look like to love, to bind oneself to faithfulness in the way this passage encourages?  What happens if it doesn't produce favor and a good name - at least in the way one expects?  In fact what is favor from God - is it financial success?  Success in one's career?  Freedom from depression?  A sense of purpose and meaning?  A successful family or ministry or ... what?

Surely Christians, if they considered the question, could run to the classic Sunday School answer: Jesus!  Surely Jesus achieved this love/faithfulness/favor thing in his life!  He can help us understand what it means!

Okay, so, in his case, favor seemed to mean that ...

He performed miracles!
     He was also rejected by his family and hated by the church.

He healed!
      ... a smattering of the population ...
And he inspired many to believe in God!

     He was also betrayed and ultimately murdered.
But He was resurrected from the dead!  Woohoo!

Oh.  He also had his bride picked out for him by God.
     She treats him like Hosea -
     despising him,
     cheating on him,
     and generally prostituting herself to the highest bidder:

"... the Lord said to him, 'Go, marry a promiscuous woman and have children with her, for like an adulterous wife this land is guilty of unfaithfulness to the Lord.'"   Hosea 1:2

Still want God to pick the person you marry???

But I digress.

"...then you will win favor and a good name in the sight of God and man."

I don't know about you, but the favor that Jesus walked in doesn't sound so very favorable.  They don't really preach that favor in church, do they?  In fact, it puts me in mind of The Hunger Games.  May the odds be ever in your favor?  What a sick joke!

Okay, I didn't expect to go here but this is actually the point!  What are we signing up for - or being enlisted in? If we don't ask the question then we end up playing whatever game is laid out for us - and it always ends in bondage - in hell.  What does love and faithfulness actually look like?  What does it look like - not even just in general but specifically - here, now, in this situation, with this person?  And what is it going to cost me?  Because God's favor may not be an easy thing to bear.

So, what can it possibly mean to bind ourselves to love and faithfulness?

If I were married (and it turns out I am), I'd want my spouse to remember me, remember the vows he said to me, remember the love and bonds we share, and ask himself in a constant and alert fashion, "What would it look like to be faithful to her, to us, and to my own heart here, with this person, in this situation, at work or at home or on the internet?"  I would want him to be bonded to me in this way, so that I am with him wherever he goes - because I am.  What he does in secret or in public, it affects me; he does it to me.  And so I would want him to love me in all of those places, to act in love in all of those places.  I would want to be in his thoughts alongside whatever else he is thinking - not in some sick, obsessive or codependent way, but just in a we-are-connected way, we are family, we love one another.  It is the same way I would want him to think of our children, if we had them.  I would want him to consider his choices, his thoughts, his habits, his actions in light of them and in love of them as much as possible.  When you have kids at home, can you make a decision about whether you're going to go out after work as if they're not there?  Some people do.  But most people understand the kind of faithfulness having children requires.  It requires thinking about them constantly.  It means you never get a break from loving them.  For some people that can seem like bondage - and in a way it is.  But when there is love, it is not bondage.  You love for the joy set before you, as Christ did.  If there is no joy set before you, then it is not love to which you are binding yourself.

Ask yourself: What does love and faithfulness look like when you're home alone on the weekend?  When you're bored at work?  When you're frustrated, lonely, filled with shame or fear?  What does it mean to have favor in those circumstances?  Does it mean acting with integrity?  Making it through?  Breaking through? Just surviving? Something more?

Ask the question!  If you do nothing else, ask the question, and keep asking it.  Let it follow you wherever you go.  Let it challenge your every belief system.  Let it perform miracles and inspire criticism from others.  Let it crucify you.  And for the love of all things holy, let it resurrect you from the dead.

Let love and faithfulness never leave you.

Thursday, March 6, 2014

My Remembrall

Subtitled: Thursday Thoughts, A Lenten Discipline

Denial.

Everyone is familiar with the term.  Nobody really thinks they are guilty of it themselves.

Ironic, yes?

Yesterday, Ash Wednesday, I posted a blog about the season of Lent as a time of remembering.  I mentioned a few passages that described what happened when the people of God forgot - forgot who they were, who they'd been, what God had done for them, and the covenant they made with [him].

It may seem inane: How does one forget who one is, exactly???

Well, it's called denial.  

There is a giant banner in a local business that asks, 

"What are you pretending not to know?"


Next to it is another that proclaims, 


"You cannot fix that which you do not admit exists."   


Do you ever ... pretend?  Like, has a family member, standing in the kitchen, ever asked you to take the garbage out and you, standing nearby in the dining room, pretend you didn't hear? 

This seems like a pretty harmless habit.  But pretending something didn't happen, ignoring things in an effort to remain ignorant, avoiding uncomfortable feelings or situations - especially when doing so violates you or someone else - acting like something isn't going on, pretending or leading other people to believe you don't think/feel/do what you do, making decisions based on what it might look like to someone else, hiding or misconstruing your real motives or needs, telling only part of the story or only what you think other people want to hear (or don't want to hear), lying, appeasing, tolerating destructive behavior because it's easier than making it stop - these are all ways of forgetting who you are.  They are all aspects of denial, and they will all lead to a variety of woes not entirely different from those experienced by the Israelites in the Old Testament: bondage, displacement, broken trust and relationships, divided loyalties, dysfunction, addiction, infidelity ... the list goes on and on.

Did your family avoid conflict while you were growing up?  Did they refuse to talk about feelings?  Did they act like nothing happened after a screaming match, slammed doors, or even after the police were called?  Did you live with the proverbial elephant in the room, with a family secret? These are all perfect examples of denial, of forgetting, and most of the time we have come to think that this is a normal way to live.

It's rather easier to forget than we'd like to think; we do it all the time.  And it is generally a habit that is rather hard to break, though it produces destructive consequences in life.  When scripture repeats over and over again a call to God's people asking them to "remember the Lord your God", "remember the covenant", or "remember my commandments" we can often dismiss these warnings by thinking about all "those rebellious heathens out there somewhere, intentionally doing all those things that are way worse than what I'm doing - unintentionally." We conveniently forget our foray into pornography last night, our pizza binge, or the way we let someone believe something other than what actually happened because, well, we didn't want it to be awkward, really.

The point is, it's rather easier to forget - to deny - than we'd like to admit.  And it's rather more difficult to remember.

So, how do we go about remembering?  How do we go about recognizing, challenging, and breaking through our denial - the way God's word continuously asks us to do - for our own health and well-being and for the glory of God and the furthering of the kingdom?

Ah, my friends, I'm so glad you asked!  It turns out that this is the very purpose of The 12 Steps!

Did you know that The 12 Steps were originally born of the Oxford Group*, the very religious organization of which John Wesley, founder of Methodism, was a part**?  Did you know that the steps were all born of scripture, and that eventually Christian doctrine was stripped from the steps so that State and Federal Governments could sanction government support of the only program that actually helps people overcome addiction and denial (with something like a crazy 75% success rate!)?***

God led me to practice The 12 Steps as a specific spiritual discipline for remembering - remembering who I am, who I've been, what God has done, and my covenant with [him].  And that is why I want to take the time during this season to share my reflections on recovery and The 12 Steps with you.  Every Thursday I will be posting my "Thursday Thoughts" about recovery - and discussing more fully these principles in other posts as well.  I have yet to find a more fruitful and poignant way to remember, to tell my story, and to tell the story of God.

Yay Lent!

* Serenity:  A Companion for 12 Step Recovery, Thomas Nelson, 1990.
** A Model for Making Disciples, D. Michael Henderson, 2005.
*** Sorry, got this info while doing research for my MA in Counseling and need to find my sources!

Wednesday, March 5, 2014

crazy catholic practices

Why is today important?

It's not the day; it's just a Wednesday.

Nor is it religion, a religious group, or a religious calendar that gives it significance.

Tradition itself can be a powerful force for good - or for evil.

So what makes today different than any other day?

In some ways, it is like asking about the value of an anniversary.  Anniversaries mark a time to remember.  They may be a reminder of joyful moments that prompt us to celebrate - like birthdays or weddings - or they may be a reminder of not-so-joyful moments, moments of death and loss, prompting times of grief.  The truth is, we remember both, and we often take the time to remember both the joy and the sorrow of special anniversaries.  It's like we know inherently somewhere deep in our DNA that remembering has something fundamental to do with being human.

The purpose behind tradition and 'religion' or any kind of spiritual discipline has really always been remembering - not a living-in-the-past kind of remembering, a longing for 'the good ole days' or a denouncement of the current culture, and not a rigid kind of remembering, either, like a following of a set of rules and recitations.  No, originally the practice of remembering was deeply meaningful and deeply personal.  It was the stacking of stones on a grave or near a wilderness passage.  It was the telling of a story.

It was like living death.  Our homes were hovels.  We were beaten and worked until we collapsed, then we were abandoned and left for the vultures and dogs.  They killed our children.  We were not even allowed to bury our dead.
We were slaves.  We knew no other way of life.  Truthfully, I don't think that we even prayed for freedom anymore; I think we had forgotten what the word meant - if we ever really knew in the first place.  
But there was a cry in our hearts, in our very bones.  It was an ache beyond words.  And God heard that cry.  He was not content to leave us there.  (Retelling Exodus 1:9-22, 2:23-25)

That is what is significant about Ash Wednesday - and the Lenten season.  It is an anniversary of sorts.  It is about remembering.   

          remembering who we are 

         
                                       remembering who we've been
                  
remembering what God has done
                                                               
                     remembering the covenant we've made 
           to be the people of God

Lent is an opportunity to seek, to search out the mystery that is sharing in God's own story. It is not about the things we 'give up' but the things we choose to remember in the sacred space that we create when we say no to something.  In fact, the very process of turning away from something and turning toward God is the very working out of our salvation!  If we never learn to do this, I'm afraid we are as good as dead in our sin - we might as well use grace to sin all the more - because ultimately we claim a form of godliness but deny its power.

Because the power is in remembering.

The Old Testament is filled with the tales of Israel's woes, woes that always began when they "forgot."

"You deserted the Rock, who fathered you; you forgot the God who gave you birth" (Deut 32:18).

"The Israelites did evil in the eyes of the Lord.  They forgot the Lord their God and served the Baals and Asherahs" (Judges 3:7).

"But they forgot the Lord their God, so he sold them into the hand of Sisera" (1 Sam 12:9).

"They did not keep God's covenant and refused to live by his law.  They forgot what he had done, the wonders that he had shown them" (Ps 78:10-11).

"But they soon forgot what he had done and did not wait for his plan to unfold; in the desert they gave in to their craving, in the wilderness they put God to the test.  So he gave them what they asked for..." (Ps 106:13-15a)

They stopped telling their own story. They stopped telling the story of God in them - and they forgot.

Ash Wednesday is our anniversary as a people, our opportunity to remember.  And so I challenge you this Lenten season, over the next 40 days, if you give something up or if you don't, in the sacred space wherever you may find it, may you take time to remember:

Who am I?

Who have I been?

What has God done?

What is my covenant?

I will be posting here on each of these questions during the season.  I will also be posting reflections on scripture and my own Exodus experience as I remember who I am and what God has done for me.  Feel free to follow or subscribe if you find yourself looking for reasons to remember, if you're looking for meaning in what seems like a crazy catholic practice, or if you'd just like encouragement as you live out your own Exodus story.

May we find the power and transformation of resurrection life as we find our own story in the story of Christ, as we tell God's story in the telling of our own.

Amen.